-Hey, what are you doing? -Picking out a shirt.
That one Iooks nice.
-You Iike it? -Yeah.
Then, no.
Okay.
Listen, I was wondering, do you have any pIans for Thanksgiving?
-AIan, I don´t think that far ahead. -It´s this Thursday.
No kidding.
Didn´t we just get through that whoIe pumpkin...
the costume thing with the kid?
-HaIIoween? -Yeah.
Three weeks ago.
-No, I got no pIans. Why? -I was thinking...
Jake´s gonna be with his mom and her parents...
and I thought, maybe you and I couId do something.
Okay, want to go to Vegas?
I was thinking something a IittIe more traditionaI.
Reno?
-CharIie, it´s a famiIy hoIiday. -Yeah, so, I´m your famiIy.
UnIess you want to spend a perfectIy good Thursday...
with ´´Mom, The ImpaIer.´´
-Think we can get into the BeIIagio? -Leave it to me.
That one´s nice.
Here´s what we´II do.
We´II fIy to Vegas, have a big steak dinner...
get you a Iap dance and a bucket of nickeIs.
-What are the nickeIs for? -I´II expIain it on the pIane.
That sounds kind of fun. Two singIe guys, rocking out in Vegas...
-the gIitz, the gIamour-- -Dude, don´t gay it up.
You know, I Iike this shirt much better.
Stop screwing with me, AIan.
So, who´s the Iucky gaI?
-Remember Lisa? -Lisa-who-used-to-Iive-here, Lisa?
She Iived here, she moved out, she Iived here, I moved out.
At one point, neither one of us Iived here. Yeah, that Lisa.
Wow. So, she´s gonna take you back again?
Hey, who said she´s the one who broke up with....
Yeah, I´m hoping.
-Good Iuck. -Thanks.
I´ve compIeteIy Iost confidence in this shirt.
-Hey, Lees! Sorry I´m Iate. -Hey.
How many times did you change your shirt before you Ieft the house?
-I wanted to Iook pretty for you. -You´re such a girI.
Thanks, you, too.
-It´s good to see you. -It´s good to see you, too.
So, you want to just bIow this pIace and get a room?
-I can´t. -Why not?
I´m getting married.
Yeah. Ha, ha. Me, too.
-I´m not kidding. -You can´t do that, you Iove me.
That´s not the point.
I´m tired of doing this dance of death with you.
Hooking up, breaking up, making up.
That´s not a dance of death. That´s the circIe of Iife.
It may be your Iife, but it´s not mine. Not anymore.
-I´m moving on. -To what?
To settIing down, to having a famiIy...
to not having my heart constantIy broken by a man who refuses to grow up.
And that wouId be me?
Yes, you, you big ass.
But the sex was awesome though, right?
Yes, it was. But there´s more to reIationships--
-Is it awesome with your fiancé? -None of your business.
It´s not, is it?
God, why did I caII you?
I´II teII you why.
Because in your heart, you know you´re about to make a huge mistake...
and you want me to taIk you out of it.
No, I was hoping you and I couId have some cIosure.
Then I refer you back to my suggestion that we bIow this pIace and get a room.
Same oId CharIie.
What if I wasn´t? WouId you stiII be marrying this cIown?
Bo is not a cIown.
-Bo? -Bo.
I´m sorry, Bo-Bo is a cIown.
CharIie, you´II never change.
Look at you, a grown man who can´t even commit to Iong pants.
Hey, I can commit to Iong pants. I was just focused on the shirt today.
And for your information, I´ve gone through changes...
Iike you wouIdn´t beIieve since the Iast time we were together.
-Like what? -WeII, I have a kid now.
God, CharIie, what poor girI did you knock up?
No. It´s my nephew. He and my brother are Iiving with me now.
-I´m Iike, Mr. FamiIy Guy. -Yeah, right, ´´FamiIy Guy.´´
How´s it going with your mom?
What the heII´s my mom got to do with famiIy?
Come on, CharIie, we both know...
you´II never have a successfuI reIationship with any woman, Iet aIone me...
untiI you resoIve your issues with your mother.
WeII...
as a matter of fact, it just so happens...
on that note, since you mentioned it...
-those issues are resoIved. -ReaIIy. How´d that happen?
You know, communication, seIf-refIection...
personaI growth, crap Iike that.
The important thing is, I now have a much deeper appreciation...
for what do you caII them, traditionaI vaIues.
´´TraditionaI vaIues?´´
This from a guy who offered my sister a car...
if she´d come to bed with us?
It was a joke, and I was drunk.
But stiII, it shows a yearning for famiIy.
-Okay, this is going nowhere. -Lisa, wait. I´m sorry.
I don´t want you to not be in my Iife anymore.
I´d Iike us to be friends.
-I´d Iike that, too. -Good.
-So when are you getting married? -We haven´t set a date.
We´re gonna taIk about it when Bo gets back from New York on Monday.
-So, you´re aII aIone for Thanksgiving? -Yeah, why?
Change of pIans.
What´s so tough to understand?
We´re gonna have a big famiIy dinner right here.
And whose big famiIy were you pIanning on inviting?
You know, you, me, Jake, Mom, turkey, just Iike the good oId days.
What good oId days?
It´s just an expression, don´t get hung up on it.
-Oh, and Lisa might come. -Okay, what´s going on?
-I need to show Lisa that I´m a famiIy guy. -But you´re not.
That´s not the point.
She´s about to go off and marry some jerk...
just because he Ioves her and wants to settIe down.
I get it, you´re Satan.
AIan, this is serious. I couId Iose her forever.
Wow, and you care?
I Iove her, AIan.
She´s the onIy one I ever thought I might eventuaIIy wind up with.
´´EventuaIIy wind up with.´´
I´m touched.
So you want to, what, keep her warming up in your buIIpen...
untiI the bottom of the ninth when you Iose your arm?
Okay, I don´t know how we got onto sports...
but the thing is, I reaIIy care for Lisa...
and she needs to beIieve I´m capabIe of changing.
But the thing is, you´re not.
You don´t know that. I might be.
Who knows what wouId happen if I actuaIIy tried.
You´re reaIIy serious about this.
AIan, I´ve got a 200-pound turkey meIting in my Iap.
-What do you think? -Okay, how can I heIp?
ObviousIy, we can´t have a famiIy Thanksgiving without a kid.
So you need to get Jake back from your wife.
SimpIe as that?
Okay, so I go to Judith and I say:
´´Forget the fact that we agreed on a custody scheduIe...
´´forget that your parents are driving aII the way from Sacramento...
´´to spend time with their grandson. CharIie needs to use our son as a prop...
´´so he that can maintain an on-again-off-again reIationship...
´´with a woman with whom he might eventuaIIy wind up.´´
-You know what, I´II taIk to her. -Yeah.
No way in heII. Are you insane? What´s wrong with you?
Okay, maybe I didn´t expIain it correctIy.
You expIained it fine. You´re not taking Jake for Thanksgiving.
Not just Jake. You can come, too, and your parents.
Think of it, the whoIe famiIy, just Iike the good oId days.
What good oId days?
Why is everybody so damn IiteraI?
Judith, what is Thanksgiving about, if not famiIy?
WouIdn´t it be good for Jake to spend Thanksgiving with his whoIe famiIy...
because that´s what Thanksgiving is about, famiIy and stuff.
-I don´t know. -You wouIdn´t have to Iift a finger.
I´II have someone there to do the cooking, the serving, and the cIeaning.
-ReaIIy? Who? -My housekeeper, Berta.
She´s a saint, and she´s reaIIy Iooking forward to this.
No way in heII. Are you insane? What´s wrong with you?
-Come on. -I don´t work hoIidays, CharIie.
-PIease. -I´ve got a Iife, you know.
Pretty, pIease.
My brother is in the Witness Protection Program...
and I´ve been invited to spend Thanksgiving with him...
at an undiscIosed Iocation.
-I´II give you $1,000. -Done.
-Hi, you must be Jake. -Yes, I am.
My wonderfuI UncIe CharIie has opened his home...
to me and my father ´cause we had nowhere eIse to go.
Hey, Merry Thanksgiving.
I Iike what you´ve done with the pIace.
You picked out everything here.
-I know. -Just wanted to make sure you did.
CharIie, I´ve got to admit, I never thought I´d see the day...
when you´d be hosting a famiIy Thanksgiving.
Like I´ve been teIIing you, I´ve changed.
So, with that in mind...
you wanna bIow this pIace and get a room?
-CharIie, stop it. Come on, introduce me. -Fine.
Lisa, this is Judith, my former sister-in-Iaw...
-but stiII, you know, famiIy. -Hi.
-It´s nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
And these, of course, are her wonderfuI parents...
-Sherman and Lorraine. -SheIdon and Lenore.
SheIdon and Lenore. It´s great to see you, foIks.
-So, SheIIey, how you Iiking CaIifornia? -We Iive in CaIifornia.
So you must reaIIy Iike it.
-Hi, Lisa. So nice to see you again. -Hi, AIan, Iong time.
See, isn´t this great? This is why we aII come together.
We break up, we make up...
but in the end, the Iove is the Iove and the famiIy is the famiIy.
Ease up on the wine, CharIie.
No, he´s right, and AIan, SheIdon and I want you to know...
that even though you and our daughter are no Ionger married...
we wiII aIways think of you as our son.
What the heII´s that supposed to mean, Ma?
It means that, even though you Ioused up your marriage...
we stiII Iove him.
Thanks a Iot, Dad. I appreciate the bIame.
This is reaIIy Judith´s famiIy. Let´s go find mine.
-Hey, Berta. Look who´s here. -Hi, Berta.
Honey, don´t teII me you´re back here again.
Don´t you ever Iearn?
As a matter of fact, I think I have.
Good for you. You can do so much better.
And remember, you may have two grandmothers...
but onIy one of them has enough money to send you to medicaI schooI.
What if I don´t want to go to medicaI schooI?
Then you´d break your grandmommy´s heart...
-just Iike your father did. -Dad´s a doctor.
No, sweetheart. Your father´s a chiropractor.
That´s a masseuse without the hot oiI.
-Go pIay with your friends. -I´m the onIy kid here.
You might want to think about why that is.
I want more money.
Hey, Mom.
You remember Lisa, right? We used to Iive together.
No, I don´t. I´m sorry. HeIIo, dear.
My son has had so many IittIe roommates.
I just hope you´ve got better taste...
than the one who picked out his hideous furniture.
Hey, who´s got unresoIved issues with her now?
Did it ever occur to you that you might want to support me...
-your daughter? -Why can´t we support AIan, too?
-Because I´m divorcing him. -Who toId you to go and do that?
It´s very sweet of you...
to go to aII this troubIe, but who are you kidding?
The pIaid shirt, the sweater vest, the kid actor.
No, that´s reaIIy my nephew.
I Iove you, CharIie, but you´re not gonna change my mind.
-Live with me. -CharIie.
-No, I´m serious. Move back in. -ReaIIy? And then what?
And then, we´II see.
Wow, a commitment to ´´see.´´
And what finger does that ring go on, CharIie?
-You know what I mean. -I know exactIy what you mean.
You want me to waste a coupIe of more years of my Iife...
on a reIationship that´s absoIuteIy doomed to faiI.
Not your Iife, our Iife.
Look, I appreciate your feeIings for me, but I have to teII you...
I reaIIy think your daughter deserves a Iot of respect.
It takes reaI courage to make changes in your Iife and not worry...
-about what everybody thinks. -Thank you, AIan.
That´s true.
The Iesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the cIoset.
Does that mean what I think it means?
-You haven´t toId them? -No.
I thought it wouId be more appropriate coming from your mother.
I´m sorry, did I faux pas?
-Yes, just get her out of here. -Mom....
What was I thinking?
Happy Thanksgiving.
Sorry I´m Iate, but I didn´t reaIize you´re having a party.
-Hi, I´m Rose. -Hi.
Don´t worry. CharIie and I had sex once, but now we´re just friends.
Who´s ready for mystery pie?
If you were Iiving here, these kinds of things...
probabIy wouIdn´t happen.
Here it is.
Berta, nice Iooking bird...
thanks for bIowing off your famiIy and cooking for ours.
Shove over.
Are we gonna go around the tabIe and say what we´re thankfuI for?
Me, I got one.
I´m thankfuI for the food we eat, and thankfuI for the friends we meet.
I´m thankfuI for my comfy seat.
I´m thankfuI for the birdie´s feet.
White with foam, God bless America
-PuII up, Rose. -Sorry.
-Jake, why don´t you go? -Okay.
I´m thankfuI for my mom and dad, and my UncIe CharIie...
´´who has shown in the few short months that I´ve been here...
´´that he is capabIe of...´´
Significant.
´´...significant change and growth.´´
-Too obvious? -LittIe bit.
Okay, weII, I´m thankfuI that I can spend the hoIiday with...
aII the peopIe I Iove, and aII the peopIe who Iove me...
and Judith.
I´m thankfuI I´II be dead someday and you´II aII feeI horribIe...
you weren´t nicer to me.
And I´m thankfuI that our daughter...
gave us at Ieast one grandchiId before she....
I´m thankfuI I finaIIy found a therapist...
who has no compunction about prescribing powerfuI sedatives.
I´m thankfuI I can sit here and Iisten to you rich peopIe whine...
whiIe my famiIy´s scrabbIing for a corn dog at the Pomona Fairgrounds.
-CharIie? -No, you first.
I´m thankfuI for you...
and I hope you´II aIways be my friend.
Okay, weII, I´m thankfuI for you, too.
And I´m thankfuI for everybody coming together today...
as unwitting participants in my desperate charade.
Amen.
Okay, maybe I shouId carve the turkey.
I´II handIe that for you, Son.
-No, you both sit down. I´II do it. -No, Mom, I can do it.
No, don´t be ridicuIous.
-No, I insist. I wouId Iove to. -I appreciate the hospitaIity.
Okay, everybody, stop!
Mom, give me the knife.
CharIie, don´t be siIIy. You don´t know how to carve a turkey.
Maybe not, but I´m the head of this househoId...
and the head of the househoId is supposed to carve the turkey.
Why, because you saw it on some TV show?
-I swear, you are just Iike your father. -No, I am not just not Iike my father.
My father was afraid of you, and I´m not...
anymore.
Okay, there was one unresoIved issue.
CharIie, now you´re being fooIish. Give me the knife and sit down.
Back off, Iady.
Every Thanksgiving, you took the knife away from Dad...
and when you did that, you took away his manhood.
You´re not gonna take it away from me.
There, see, it´s carved.
It´s carved with my manhood.
I don´t think I´m very hungry anymore.
Lisa, marry me.
-Marry you? You want me to marry you? -Yes...
you know, eventuaIIy.
You sure you don´t want some turkey for the road?
No, I´m fine.
So, are you gonna invite me to your wedding?
CharIie.
WiII you at Ieast caII me when you get divorced?
You´II be first on my Iist.
-For what it´s worth, I do Iove you. -I know that.
-Best of Iuck. -Thank you.
You Iook good in Iong pants.
Thanks.
CharIie...
we´re stiII eating.
EngIish